Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?