Grew big
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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
