Grew big
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[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!