Grew big
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
look at me when i’m typing to you
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?