Grew big
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
mood
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.