Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted