Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
No regrets in 2018
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Found the job I’m suited for
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.