Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
This will never not be funny 😭
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan