Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

The struggle is real.

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.