“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.