Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

I don’t make the rules sorry

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Woke up with morning Yule Log

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

🤣🤣

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet