Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
