Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
