Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee