greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
A Short Story.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs