Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.