greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
