greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
🤣could you imagine
Don’t tell me what to do
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
when someone compliments me
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*