Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.