Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
You Might Also Like
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT