Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
that’s really how it is
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.