Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no