Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Sing it!

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it