Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.