Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Strangers have the best candy.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom