Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
We avoided this particular disaster
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
that de-escalated quickly
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Meow
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL