Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

I saw this ending much differently.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.