*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me