Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me