Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.