*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.