*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Okey dokey.
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.