*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping