Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god