Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.