Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
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“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
british sex workers really pound for pound
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money