Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

The Others (2001)

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Only you can prevent podcasts

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby