Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached