Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

U talkin 2 me?

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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]