Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

I think this cat is broken

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.