Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*