Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Human are so complicated
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
The news is so predictable nowadays
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I only treason on days ending in y
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.