“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.