groan^2
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?