groan^2
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
No, he would not have.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”