Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”