Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.