Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.