GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen