Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

Stonehinge

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.