Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?