Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.