grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.