grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
You Might Also Like
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
🔥🔥
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago