Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
You Might Also Like
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
murder on the timeline
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
when the buffet is more honest than your date
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.