Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
#MeanwhileinCanada
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.