Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing itđ
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detective: heâs been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait itâs where
âI could really use a side pieceâ was a phrase I uttered that didnât help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Move over, pizza rat. đ A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I donât know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kidâs toys
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but thatâs only if youâre doing it right
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
when youâre supposed to be in bed but the grown-upsâ dinner party is too loud
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldnât respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Iâm naming our next kid.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didnât know anyone so we couldnât join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*text alert*
me: i hope thatâs my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please donât accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I wonât Iâm not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u Iâm Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying âsorry. canât. i have an avocado thatâs ripe.â total legal. even if itâs not true.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Iâm not sorry.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.