Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Why the f*** is it called the restroom I am fighting for my life in here

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage