Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1415097305435459585/pu/vid/1600x720/YtrlKHGk9lG1RhI2.mp4?tag=12

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1577795276126953478/pu/vid/360x360/jlSIyzuqfnOf9JP_.mp4?tag=12

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.