Grocery guy here with a reminderâŠ
You donât âun-thawâ things from the freezer. You âthawâ them. Un-thaw would be freezing itđ
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldnât âturn the sun downâ
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I donât run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-canât think straight
-iâm exhausted
-3 people are dead
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] whatâs this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other meâs] sheâs on to us
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: âŠ
DOCTOR: âŠ
ME: âŠ
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
What base is it when she says, âI saw a box of fish sticks and thought of youâ?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: âIf the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.â
When I die, please donât blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Cake!!
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isnât the worst thing that happened to me today.
But itâs definitely up there.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. sheâs an industry plant. sheâs a nepo
my wife: the babyâs crying
me: as he should be. itâs upsetting
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I tried to forge my dadâs signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Letâs just say the bank didnât give me that loan.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didnât actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
âI wouldnât worry if I were youâ â Translation: Iâm not worried because Iâm not you
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
âIâm not sure how long this ride will last so Iâve decided to take a lover.â
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age⊠I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV đș
ME: How do you spell âinfernoâ?
BOSS: What?
ME: Iâm writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, thatâs probably a better way of wording it
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question Iâve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I swear I wonât be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
His last words were, âIâm just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasnât made dinner.â
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.