Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I can fix him.
