Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Banking tips

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

new year update: losing everything but weight

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent