Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

What’s so funny?

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home