Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.