Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.