Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best spoiler warning ever

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

aura

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.