Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.