Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend helps you before you need it

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

A Short Story.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

And bowling should be called pinball

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.