Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
You Might Also Like
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!