Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.