Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽