grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Safety first
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years