Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
