Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
I think the cat got the dog high.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
smh
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
