Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Netflix and you sit over there.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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